abusive or just an asshole?
a letter from Brokenhearted In Bristol
Dear Brokenhearted,
I’m sorry to hear you were broken up with…twice.
I admire that you’re able to hear his (very blunt and harsh, if you’re quoting him verbatim!) criticism and consider if it might be true, instead of simply stonewalling or lashing out as many in your shoes would do.
It’s clear you look up to your ex very much, and it’s touching you can admit that despite all that’s happened.
Abusive behavior is certainly real. It’s also massively overdiagnosed by well-meaning friends and family. We live in an age of therapyspeak; people now have a plethora of psychiatrist-sounding ways to say don’t be so hard on yourself.
Not every shitty situation is abuse. Some people might define abuse as “exploitation” but all consensual relationships are mutually exploitative. Given the freedom to choose, we don’t keep people in our lives unless we’re getting something out of it, even if that something is not obvious or rational. Many people actively choose to remain in shitty situations: come back to the same person over and over or recreate that dynamic with someone else.
I think it’s silly, downright insulting even, to use the same term for, say, a womanizer and for people who
- take control of their partner’s bank accounts
- smash furniture when they’re angry
- berate and threaten until their partner is too scared and unsure of themselves to leave.
I have a rather specific definition of abuse: the insidious removal of agency.
Do you feel like your freedom is being limited, your safety increasingly at risk, your options pared away, your support system dismantled? Do you feel your ability to enact change in your own life diminishing?
This can be done in many ways, some seemingly innocent, some outright scary. However subtle or subconscious the execution, that is the end effect: isolation, and consequently control. In the end, you put up with whatever they do to you because there is nowhere else to go.
Maybe, looking back, you’ll see he was abusive. Or maybe you’ll see you were abusive to him.
That being said, from what you’ve shared, I think it is….unlikely you were as toxic as he says you were. If you were abusive, odds are he’d want to stay far away after getting out of your clutches, not buy you breakfast and give you a cheery lecture on your failings. I also find that abusive people are usually not open (as you seem to be) to the idea that they are the problem.
The way you describe your ex resembles a certain archetype I’ve become familiar with in the last couple years. Highly intelligent, charismatic, excitingly unpredictable, and completely, euphorically drunk on their own Koolaid.
K calls this archetype “sexy and schizo” and loathes these people as major polluters of the dating pool. It’s accurate.
They bleed confidence and conviction and are naturally unpredictable enough to be effortlessly stimulating and entertaining.
They’re smart enough to achieve, to win approval from the world, to charm your pants off and have you drinking their Koolaid too.
And because of their unpredictability and charisma you can never be quite sure of them, which gives you butterflies up the wazoo.
I’m actually fairly confident your ex is somewhat like this for three reasons:
1) You clearly put him on a pedestal, which he enjoys and encourages. He has not treated you like a peer and equal, removing your rose-tinted glasses and putting you both on equal footing, as a healthier and wiser person would do. In fact, he takes the time to ‘helpfully’ hammer in you weren’t good enough for him. He likes the idea of being your one who got away.
2) He randomly jumped out of a moving car. Peak schizo behavior!
3) He’s clearly inconsistent. He breaks up with you, takes you back, breaks up again. One minute you’re too boring to be with, another it was just timing and nobody’s fault. One minute you’re too unhealthy to talk to, another he’s buying you breakfast.
I’m not saying he’s doing this on purpose to manipulate you. Some people really are just wired haphazardly, by nature inconstant, fickle, and changeable. He probably believes everything he says in the moment he says it, and in a different mood feels the opposite.
People who act like this are not necessarily bad people deep down, but they’re also not good people, not when they don’t take care to be predictable for the sake of those around them.
Dear Brokenhearted, to be completely frank, I am exactly like this by nature, and I can tell you that it is very possible to be wired this way and still act with consideration. It takes earnest, earnest effort though, and humility. I can also tell you that if I didn’t try very hard to be considerate and consistent, I’d be a menace.
I know men who are wired like this and rampage unchecked. They can make great friends, but I’d never date one. They seem like the greatest when you’re talking to them, simply too good for any of the girls they’ve come across so far, but with time, and enough exposure to their social circle, you start to see the cracks in the mirror. They’re far from perfect, romantically and otherwise, and actively create a lot of dysfunction.
My point is: you’re well rid of him. I’m not saying you’re perfect, no one ever is, but it takes two to break something. If he was your soulmate, you’d still be together. The relationship is over. Block him. There’s no point to staying in touch. Don’t give him the satisfaction of having you trot at his heels with big yearning eyes like a puppy.
Love, Divya
Someone in your life being impossible to deal with? Troubles of the heart? Don’t know if you’re crazy or they are? Suffering from a moral dilemma? Issues with your parents, your cranky boss, your cat? Open to having your problem (and potentially, yourself) publicly dissected and philosophized over?
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My very dear readers, I’m looking forward to hearing from you.