Guys (and girls) keep things secret for all sorts of reasons including being ashamed. Obviously he wanted to scratch his own itch, but he probably also did not want to put pressure on you when you are not in the mood. I was in a marriage where we ended up going months in between having sex due to serious depression issues (eventually on both sides, wanting sex and never having it as a man makes you feel like less of a man).
Now you have had the conversation and he made the promises about what he will do going forward. That is what you need in a relationship and no matter how 'perfect' things seem there will always be things that go awry. There are probably grosser men out there than this guy, I was one of them, super loyal to my lady, but I also had the point where I did not want to insult my wife by bothering her when she did not wanting to be bothered... so turned to porn as a little white lie to distract me. Oddly enough my biggest fetish were women that looked like my wife, it was clear psychological substitution and anger.
I could have solved a lot of issues if I had the sort of conversation they are having right now. Do not be so quick to throw people away over assumed rules you never truly established. The boundary has been set now, it can be a chance to grow and he retains all the great qualities that draw you together... and has the opportunity to work on the things that could pull you apart.
Honesty is also a two way street: if you react explosively to someone telling you the truth, it’s natural that they end up cagey. You have to encourage honesty by reacting neutrally, even when they’re telling you something you hate to hear. That doesn’t mean being a doormat: you can and should draw your boundaries firmly, but staying calm and empathetic is vital.
holy moly
Guys (and girls) keep things secret for all sorts of reasons including being ashamed. Obviously he wanted to scratch his own itch, but he probably also did not want to put pressure on you when you are not in the mood. I was in a marriage where we ended up going months in between having sex due to serious depression issues (eventually on both sides, wanting sex and never having it as a man makes you feel like less of a man).
Now you have had the conversation and he made the promises about what he will do going forward. That is what you need in a relationship and no matter how 'perfect' things seem there will always be things that go awry. There are probably grosser men out there than this guy, I was one of them, super loyal to my lady, but I also had the point where I did not want to insult my wife by bothering her when she did not wanting to be bothered... so turned to porn as a little white lie to distract me. Oddly enough my biggest fetish were women that looked like my wife, it was clear psychological substitution and anger.
I could have solved a lot of issues if I had the sort of conversation they are having right now. Do not be so quick to throw people away over assumed rules you never truly established. The boundary has been set now, it can be a chance to grow and he retains all the great qualities that draw you together... and has the opportunity to work on the things that could pull you apart.
This hit home hard, so very true:
Honesty is also a two way street: if you react explosively to someone telling you the truth, it’s natural that they end up cagey. You have to encourage honesty by reacting neutrally, even when they’re telling you something you hate to hear. That doesn’t mean being a doormat: you can and should draw your boundaries firmly, but staying calm and empathetic is vital.